Some Funnies

                                                           The Prostate Exam

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted...

The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was an unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!


                                          Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to

Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking Continental." was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"


"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich." laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful, " explained the woman, "not only were we on time
in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"


                                                          Prostitute Joke

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said:
Two Prostitutes -$50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and
told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign
saying: JESUS SAVES. One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?' 'Well, that's a
little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed
the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their
car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new
sign: Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50

           What Causes Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled of alcohol
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath.'

The drunk reflected about this for a minute and muttered,
'Well, I'll be ***** '
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what
he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope
does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the
question before offering the answer.

                                                                  Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel ..'

The pharmacist fainted.